Checkmating a king
by Glenn Lehman
Christmas was bad news for King Herod. A baby scared him. Foreigners from Magiland outsmarted him.
The big money was on his side. The military brass and veterans kissed
up. On the street everyone adored him. On the far right, the Grape Leaf Party controlled
the huddled masses, who were not yearning to be free. Wherever the Roman eagle soared, Herod ruled. How could he lose?
The day before started out
okay. By ten o’clock Herod was ready for
a laugh and several doughnuts. He called
in a foreign delegation dressed like court jesters, sporting Turkish towel
headwear and astrology charts. Jokers
they were not. Gesturing and grunting in
pig latin, thinking they were onto a great story for the Persian Post, they interviewed the king. Then they asked about his plan to abdicate the
throne, quoting sources of regime change based on quirky religious hocus-pocus.
But no threat to national security
should be ignored, Herod the Scared-Hearted had learned at the Caesar Augustus
Military Academy. Not even a threat in a
cradle. Semper stripsherchus
infantati, the generalissimo had said.
So what to do? Just
dismiss these wise guys from Magiland as a joke? Or, send his CIA to get the low-down before
deciding if it’s a credible terrorist act or a media sideshow?
Herod had learned that lies are easier. So before the photo op and the good-byes, he
said, Let’s be buddies. Let me know when
you find the baby so I can send my regards and a few health care and education
vouchers. Of course, the brains from Magiland
see through this ruse. Scared by his goons,
they track down the baby at night and sneak back across the border.
All is calm for a day.
The media goes back to dumb reality shows about dirt poor minorities traipsing
across the land to register for an I.D. and getting into hilarious
predicaments. They run cooking shows on new dishes for grape
leaves, olive oil and rancid fish. They tout Herod’s plan to privatize the
centurions, thereby creating more jobs in horseshoes, harnesses, chariots, and
sword sharpening.
But when he finds out that the Magilanders escaped, it all
hits the fan. Herod, full of sugar,
dreams up a new enemy du jour--foreign babies. They’re lazy, fat, and want things. His media does what it’s good at--puts out
stories of a baby epidemic and talking points to support it. Media loud mouths like Glenadus Beckum and
Billium O-Reillius snap it up like peanuts at a reunion. He cranks the national
security index up to red alert.
Christmas Day Herod fatefully pulls the big lever of fear,
and the state machinery of hate begins to grind. He flies into an insane rage of revenge and
orders his military to eliminate a whole demographic—baby and toddler boys of
the Bethlehem slums. Judea becomes the
land of the fearful and the home of the obeyers. Herod lashed out and lost. Checkmate.
Glenn Lehman is a
writer and musician living close to Lancaster, Pa.
